If you read my 30 Days post, you know of the pretty high standards I set for myself. Due to preparations necessary for me to leave, I am readjusting the deadline I had initially set for me to accomplish my goals by. I know I can read everything I aimed to read by November 8th, but I decided not to do this. I really want to read and internalize everything, so for now my priority is to finish reading the Book of Mormon by my report date. I will finish reading everything else on my own time during personal study. As for German... well I have been learning how to pray in German. It is something I am loving. I actually said my first prayer in German with my family the other night. I am seeing that German truly is the celestial language (;
The weeks have felt like they have been flying by. I feel like there is so much I need to do with only so little time to get it done. My heart is filled with two things: excitement and love. The more I talk to my friends, who are out on missions or who will be out soon, I get swept up by all the emotions. A good friend of mine leaves a week after I do and we had been talking about everything that is in store for us. Talking to someone who is on the same boat as I am on was a huge help for me. I had been so preoccupied with thoughts of all the things that could go wrong that I completely failed to see everything that is right and will be right. Talking about missionary work, and thinking of the stories I will come home with, the experiences I will live, the people I will meet, how much I will grow, etc. served as a sweet reminder to me to recall part of the reason I have decided to serve a mission.
I lost myself at school. I completely lost myself. When I realized I had lost myself, I was struck by an immense feeling of sadness and emptiness-- I could not believe I had let myself disappear. If you have ever lost yourself, you know the very feeling. I was away from home. My closest relationship had crumbled. I did not know who I could talk to, or where I could go. Feeling lost is already difficult on its own, but feeling lost and alone was unbearable.
This experience has been the most humbling one I have had so far. As I look back on everything, I have no doubt that God was always with me. Throughout my entire mission application experience and preparation, He has been by my side. Learning to trust and turn to Him has taken a while to instinctively do, but I have learned to do so. Every time I choose to turn to Him, trust in Him, and continue acting in faith & obedience, He blesses me with His tender love. He reminds me of who I am in His eyes. He has helped me find myself again. He helped me bring back the funny, quirky, intelligent, sassy, caring & kind, hopeful, determined, happy girl.
In 10 days I will begin serving my mission. I decided to serve a mission for many reasons, this is one of them. I am serving a mission because I have a very special message to share. I know that God lives. I know that we are His children. I know that He loves us, even when we fail to love ourselves. I know that He is ALWAYS with you. I know that He has a plan of happiness for all of us. He is routing for all of us to return to live in His presence. I am serving a mission because this message needs to be shared. There is someone out there who may be feeling the same way I did once: alone, lost, depressed, and worthless. I need to find them. I need to find them and let them know their worth is priceless and they are infinitely loved by their Heavenly Father.
I have no doubt that Berlin is where God wants me. I am filled with profound love for the country and its people. I cannot wait to be there and to serve them. I am ready to give everything I can to Him and His work.